Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
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Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates