@lifecoachfit: It takes a village to raise a child so I dropped the kids off at my neighbors house with a note: "your turn"

@msdanifernandez: If you liked "These Boots Are Made for Walkin" youll enjoy other hits like "This Toaster Toasts Things" and "Whats the Phone Number for 911"

@Crutnacker: Biden: I painted "Michelle Obama 2020" on your bedroom ceiling Obama: 😳 Biden: Glow in the dark paint

@offbeatoliv: I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent...well played...

@CoolCamel69: "How's your love life?" Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig. "I'm sorry man" it's ok. still got laid.