professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
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Lol #dogsoftwitter
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
This is a sub tweet
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok