Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
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Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Oh we’ve met.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life