@duplicitron: Mail some pirates a treasure map leading to the exact spot where you need a hole dug for a tree.

@EBenita0517: You didn't question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I've got a knife to your throat you're all "why, why?"

@bobvulfov: TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

@CubanaMama82: I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it's obvious he had no idea how letters work.

@WritePlay: *dog barks at absolutely everything, every time* Me: SHUT UP *dog barks at burglar, one time* Me: It's like he just knew there was danger