@darrinfb: It's so hot outside I almost called my ex over so I could stand by something shady.

@MrSpoonicorn: *Gandalf rollerblades into the club* "YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE-- *slips on a drink & lands flat on face* "SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE

@flashember: ME: Where are the posters? WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED! [In other room] *cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

@briancthayer: [Halloween] Lady: what are you this this year? Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I'm at 10% and it's only 7pm. Lady: *faints*

@SirEviscerate: Giraffe: That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen! [5 min later] *vomits*