@hpb777: Sometimes I wonder how people who don't have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
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@McGrumpenstein: I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
@_Mo_lee_: Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood? Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
@jaboukie: me: *is guillotined in a whole foods* cnn: Man Beheaded In Grains Section Has Dark Past Of Illegally Downloading T-Pain Songs In 2007
@Dutch_50: Doctor: You have acute alcoholism. Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it's not very cute in the morning.