Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
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Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.