Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
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Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
is this store having a stroke wtf
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage