@swiftenhaal: Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
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@therealeatwood: ME: [spraying hose to make a rainbow over a bear trap] WIFE: stop trying to trap a leprechaun ME: I really want a pot of gold or some cereal
@HiddleDeeDee: 7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed? Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don't laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
@joshgondelman: I'd have more sympathy for Sony's alleged loss of $200 million if that weren't the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.