sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
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It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
finally found a reasonable question
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Chicken bread
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.