Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
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[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
when you are just born a rebel
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair