Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
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Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
twitter is a journey
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*