Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
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Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
I have no passwords left in me
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
This line from Airplane.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.