Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
You Might Also Like
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.