@EliTerry: Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it's no biggie by breaking into a jog and don't stop until I'm in a new city with a new life.
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@CroweJam: My wife's favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
@squirrel74wkgn: Can you at least smile if you're gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc? (takes off rubber glove) "You can pull up your pants now."
@vvolfsz: The nominees are Leonardo DiCaprio Leonardo DiCaprio Leonardo DiCaprio And the winner is *opens envelope* mad max fury road
@beeftweets: I wish corn would teach other foods how to explode into a different food that's 10 times better.