Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
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Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.