Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
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I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this