sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
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Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
fair
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”