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My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
“OMGJK” -atheists
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”