This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
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Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
The three genders.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Somebody’s lying.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord