I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
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Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup