“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
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I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
it be like that
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.