I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
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MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere