@dumbbeezie: Please pray for girls everywhere who are getting a "What's up" text right now Be strong. Don't answer. Eat ice cream.

@abbycohenwl: Guy: If u won lotto, what'd u get? Me: A cat sitter G: To take extra good care of Sox? M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

@Ristolable: *gives joke answer to daughter's 75th consecutive question* [20 years later, she's in an office] "Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973"

@_davidlucas_: *Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter* Her: Did you want to buy that? Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.

@FuckabillyRex: That feeling when you kinda wanna end it all but you're already in bed and your hara kiri sword is all the way across the room.