Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
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my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.