Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
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*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
crochet youtube is brutal
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.