@abhorrent_wife: Sometimes I'll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he's reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
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@NewDadNotes: Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds. God: yes. Gorilla: I have no natural predators. God: yes. Gorilla: I literally live here. God: yes. Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle? God: exactly. Gorilla: who is? God: it’s kind of hard to explain- Lion: did you tell him yet?
@VodkaThursday: Once Prince dies there will be some freaky shit that comes out like he ate only butterflies or bathed in babies or something. Mark.My.Words.
@david8hughes: [at the aquarium] Son [pointing at a large tank]: daddy what's that Me: tank Son: no what lives in the tank Me: water