@abhorrent_wife: Sometimes I'll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he's reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
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@DagFizz: My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
@BarndogKarck: Fred: let's settle this once and for all! *fred rips my face away revealing bloody skull* Velma: he wasn't wearing a mask! Fred: I know.
@MamanyaDana: That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
@TheHyyyype: a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick