@abhorrent_wife: Sometimes I'll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he's reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
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@sip_at_home_mom: This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
@jonnysun: nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought "how did a pigeon make $2.75"
@Rollinintheseat: I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
@bobvulfov: [gf falls asleep during a movie] ME: aw [i get a blanket] ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum's riddles