Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
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I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
They’re called werewolves.