@MouthyMess: Sometimes I'll start talking to someone on the train, then go "Oh, this is where I get off" then close my eyes & stick my hand in my pants.
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@AdderallMomma: My mom took my child into a store and left me in line to wait for Santa by myself, so now I look like a narcissistic creeper-thanks mom.
@WGladstone: When God closes a door, he opens a window. So God's pretty clearly getting high in his dorm room.
@liamoryan: Rest of world: don't do anything crazy plz UK: fk u we used to own u watch this *does backflip *money falls out of pockets *cracks head open
@maurex23: "I like Trump because he isn't a politician." Right, because whenever my toilet breaks I call my electrician.