Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
You Might Also Like
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Weirdos gonna weird.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you