*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
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I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.