Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
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I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.