Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
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Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Mornin
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay