Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
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Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.