@dshack8: Sometimes I'm right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I'm saying.
@truegritrumble: ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don't fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
@NicestHippo: I love killing for fun
"Sociopath! Arrest him!"
I mean I love hunting
"Why didn't you say so my good man, want to kill together sometime?"
@Gre_Gone: [Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything's stuck to everything!!!
@AdrianYoung10: I've just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don't know how he got out of the garden but he's cute.
@ilovepie84: If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you're intrested and afraid to talk to girls.