@dshack8: Sometimes I'm right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I'm saying.
Yeah you...Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
@tangledteatime: Her: I got hit by lightning when I was younger
Me: did you die
@rolldiggity: Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
@shutupmikeginn: In order to save space, Ricky Gervais & Seth McFarlane are both one guy now. Frankly, it's been a long time coming
@tbhjuststop: english words that pitbull knows: