@dshack8: Sometimes I'm right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I'm saying.
@letschillyo: iPhones need a feature where an incoming call doesn’t take up the whole screen so u can do other things while u ignore a phone call
@krustythe_klown: I'm gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with me when I get Alzheimer's
@9589smith: Son, I've made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I'm off to poop
@One_FineMess: Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn't matter. It's all good.
But a Pepsi drinker...
@Lisabug74: One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I'm telling you now.