Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
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Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.