@SardonicTart: Sometimes I'm scared I'll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I'm not so scared anymore.
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@BuckyIsotope: Started to travel back in time to kill Hitler, but then I decided to be more efficient and went back and shot Adam and Eve instead.
@CutCopyPasta: [Pet Store] Clerk: Ma'am what can I help you with today? Me: hi I'd like to buy this line C: You mean snake? M: Yes your largest worm please
@Dawn_M_: Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn't made of cheese.