@Parentpains: Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push, into traffic.
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@kentgrossarth: Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor's house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.
@UniqueDude2: WAITER: Your honor, when I said "enjoy your meal" he said "you too" ME: it was a mistake JUDGE: he gets half your meal W: thanks J: you too
@Jake_Vig: Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?