@Parentpains: Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push, into traffic.
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@SaraESpivey: My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He's mad now.
@JosesLovesYou: So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says "hey, why the wrong face?"
@iwearaonesie: wife *resting after surgery* me wife me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn't have any that said "Get Well Soon"