When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
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When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
🤔😂😂
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.