Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
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“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I’ve had worse
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*