Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
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Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife: