Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
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Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
congratulations to them
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.