Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
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ME (calling my horse with no name):
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet