Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
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“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”