Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
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[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
We need to put an American base on the sun
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.