Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
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My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
How to make infinite energy.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
everyone’s a critic
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.