@UrbanDouchebag: Sometimes it's nice to feel another body pressed up against your own, even if rigor mortis has already set it.
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@shkeeber: I'm not drunk. I'm a gravity inspector... ...and everything seems to be in order here. *falls down/passes out*
@mrjohndarby: Interviewer: What skills do you have? Me: Mind control Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
@shawnhitch22: After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
@Donna_McCoy: Sorry I yelled, "Sweep the leg!" when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend. But I stand by my advice.