@UrbanDouchebag: Sometimes it's nice to feel another body pressed up against your own, even if rigor mortis has already set it.
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@Kali_Mura: Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane. Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
@themorris23: I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
@Pundamentalism: ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago* BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”