@UrbanDouchebag: Sometimes it's nice to feel another body pressed up against your own, even if rigor mortis has already set it.
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@jwoodham: DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
@FatherWithTwins: My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I'm wondering if I should have married her instead.
@therealeatwood: “Errors in pronunciation eventually become part of the language if used widely enough over a long period of time” — linguists, supposably