@UrbanDouchebag: Sometimes it's nice to feel another body pressed up against your own, even if rigor mortis has already set it.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@JediGigi: [dont let him know you're a sponge] Waitress: *spills drink on table* GERONIMO *bellyflops on table* SPRAY SOME CLEANER I GOT THIS oh damn
@Parkerlawyer: 5,"So we don't get to open any presents today?" Me, "No." 5, "So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?"
@daplusk: [on 1st date] Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before? Her: No, I'd love to Me: Same Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
@TheToddWilliams: [Bethsaida 28 AD] BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I'm gonna sell so many loaves "Five loaves please" BAKER: Huh? "Jesus is here" BAKER: Sonuva