Jogging
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Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
gimma back my stick frost man… 馃槚鈽冿笍
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!馃槀馃槀馃槀
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
i鈥檓 such an introvert i don鈥檛 even talk to myself
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
It鈥檚 not drinking alone if you鈥檙e stuck in traffic
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit