Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?