Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
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Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
good for her
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.