Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
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Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
my favorite genre of twitter
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks