@TheTweetOfGod: Sometimes Jesus asks himself, "What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?"
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@Reverend_Scott: DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo] DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo? DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
@AbbyHasIssues: I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor* Me: What are you doing?! 3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
@_NTFG_: Of course I'm English. I'm the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.