Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
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Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.