Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
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Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Trains are just sideway elevators.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.