sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
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Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.