Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
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Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
.. do you even science?
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective