Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
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*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar