I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
You Might Also Like
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God