Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
You Might Also Like
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.