Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
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If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby