Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
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“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined